It’s something I’ve spent so much of my waking life thinking about. I do it so often, and I don’t even know why. My life isn’t that bad. I have friends that I love, and hopefully they love me back to some degree… I just wish I showed them how much I care for them more often… I know I could be a better friend.
My family sucks, but whose doesn’t? Who doesn’t have a family that sucks to at least some degree? Mom might have drank too much, Daddy was never there, annoying siblings. *shrug* We all have some reason to bitch about our family, and to be honest, sometimes it’s nice to have something to bitch about… But that’s beside the point.
My life is rather uneventful, so why, WHY would I spend so much of my time thinking about killing myself?
I don’t understand why I find comfort in the notion that I have the power to end it. The Idea that, if life got too hard, I could put a stop to it. But it doesn’t explain it… Maybe… There’s something deeper in my mind… Something I haven’t dealt with that gives me such feelings of despair.
Over the weekend, my half brother (awe have the same mother), Michael, went to a wedding with his girlfriend. It was his girlfriend’s close friend’s wedding…. This friend of my brother’s girlfriend, HAPPENED to be my step sister. A girl I used to spend many weekends following around when I would go to my father’s as a small child. So, naturally, my father also attended this wedding, and by sheer coincidence, my brother and my father ended up sitting beside each other at the reception.
According to Michael, they had a rather pleasant time talking, and Drew (father guy) was rather talkative indeed. Chit chatting about the family, reminiscing about the past, and over all enjoying their company. Michael ended up texting me, “Hey kidd, your dad says hi”.
"Oh, my dad says hi." I thought to myself. "How nice of him to form a sentence to show any sort of affection towards his youngest child… ‘Hi back’." I left it at that…
The next day, my brother came over to show his new girlfriend off to mom. I have to say, she was very adorable and overall, very sweet. We all shared an awkward moment of trying to find chairs, and mom awoke from her nap to join us. Michael started spilling details of the wedding the second he got the chance… And then, he just started talking about my dad… About the past before my conception.
"Don’t be a stranger, Michael. We should go fishing together again soon, maybe on the 24th." Drew said.
"My biggest memory of you was catching my very first fish!" Michael replied…"
It had been a couple years since I talked to my dad… I was sure that, now I am an adult, he’s done with me, and…. I thought I was okay with that. Apparently I wasn’t.
"He told Mike not to be a stranger? Invited him to go fishing? Mike’s biggest memory of my father is amazing and happy?? ‘Tell your sister I said, hi’… Tell your SISTER I said HI…" I broke.
I grabbed my phone and split for my room just as mom was coming into the living room ro sit. I shut my door carefully and crawled onto my bed.
"It’s okay… It’s going to be okay… You can cry, it’s safe here." The tears came in an instant. I wanted to scream, I wanted to thrash, I wanted to hurt my brother for saying those things… But I kept it quiet… I didn’t want to hurt my brother as much as I thought I did. I didn’t want him to know that what he had said hurt me, it wasn’t his fault. I let it out until there was nothing more to let out… I watched videos, waiting for my brother to leave, I didn’t want to talk about what I was feeling.
I was trying to push back the fact I started to remember everything that upset me about him… About the family, my siblings… Remembering I’m not really welcome in my own family… I have my sisters, a brother, and my father as face book friends, but it’s not like we talk ever.
I started thinking about my sisters, going over the memories I have of them.
Looking up at Sara and Courtney in the hallway at my father’s house… They were getting ready for the day, and I watched them in awe. I loved watching girls get ready, anticipating the day I got to put that coloring stuff on my face too. Brush my own hair, take showers and not baths. I asked Sara why she wore contacts and glasses. Turns out they were tinted contacts, because she had HeteroChromia in her eyes and she used them to help correct it. I smiled, thinking they were beautiful, not understanding why she would want to change that.
The next was a family reunion. I was sat between my sisters and, my legs hurt. they were teasing my about something. Every time I did something, they hit me, and… It was something I couldn’t help but do, and they hit hard. I was near tears, when a male voice said something to the effect of. “stop hitting her, she doesn’t like it”… Something like that. I looked up and it was my brother Zack. There was a moment where I felt like I was understood. He smiled, and I smiled, and then I got hit again. The memory is fuzzy, and it’s one of the few where I remember it the way I saw it, instead of remembering it over my own shoulder, like trying to see what someone is writing.
I remember another time Sara and Courtney were at my father’s. They were having fun with Miranda (my step sister I mentioned earlier) when I arrived, and I wanted to join in. They had brought sleeping bags so they could sleep on the lawn. They shut me in the house as the ran outside, and when I got outside, the said I couldn’t join because I didn’t have a sleeping bag. I pouted my toddler pout and hurried back into the house. My father helped me find a spare sleeping bag. I remember being so scared that there were spiders in the foot of it… We all ended up spending the night in the back yard, watching the stars until we realized it was too cold, and we moved inside.
I remember another family reunion, and someone had just had a child. I was being ignored by people, but that was okay with me. I figured, if I Was being ignored, I wasn’t being picked on. I tried to stick with Miranda, and avoid my sisters as much as I could, but we ended up sitting with them near a chicken coupe. I was admiring a cute little baby, trying to keep to myself, when I heard that calming voice again. Laughing. It was Zack again, and I smiled. He told a story about how he was chased by a headless chicken, and that’s why he didn’t want to sit with us at the chicken coupe… THat story always stuck. He smiled at me and walked away, and I felt better.
I started to realize that… Feeling out of place, and a bit scared around my sisters and father had become the norm for me. I thought that’s what that was supposed to feel like. Anything they said to me, and anything they did to me, was showing affection. And, it stuck…. In the back of my mind, that misery was being loved.
When my brother left, I came out of my room, and I sat in the computer chair. Mom and her boyfriend were on the couch…. I was clenching my phone… waiting for the next text from my girlfriend… Anything to keep me in the real world. But… I felt like I was being watched.
I looked up at my mother, and she was STARING… Not an intense gaze, but something I don’t see that offen, and I cherish when I do… Her concerned mother look… But all I could say is, “I don’t want to talk about it”.
But she had something she wanted to say…
"Um… Your brother Zack." I watched her with the blankest face I could… What had happened to my brother? Is he okay? Is he hurt? Is he dead? PLEASE tell me he’s okay!
'What about him?'
"Um… he’s…. In prison, up in Wyoming."
Say something to take the edge off… ‘I figured if it was going to be any of them, it would be Zack.’
"No….. He’s… Been accused of Murder." I broke again… I stood and went straight to my room to resume crying…
I let the pain flow through me…. My brother… The brother that made me smile, and actually made me feel loved, the brother I was looking for… A murderer? I had to know.
I grabbed the iPad and googled it as fast I could…
'Zachary….. Ed…wards….. Wyoming.' *SEARCH* … *click*
Details Emerge in Douglas Murder Case
( http://www.k2tv.com/news.php?id=1058 )
'Zack… What did you do?' I read every article I could find, watched every video…. And when I saw his mug shot…. a part of my heart….. Died…. The little light of hope that I could find m brother, and reconnect with him exploded like a supernova of darkness in my chest…. and It physically hurt… Once I felt numb enough, I came back out of my room…
I thought I got over it quickly… I don’t really know these people why the hell do I care?
'Because, they are your family. Your brothers, your sisters, your dad…' I sat there… holding it back… for a couple days… Until today. Mom had taken me out for breakfast (waffles), and we were talking about them… my father, and my siblings….. I snapped on the drive home.
'WHY DOES HE GET TO HAVE A GOOD MEMORY OF MY FATHER AND I DON'T!?'
The hurt over whelmed me… I had to let it all out…
Why didn’t anyone tell me that my Grandfather died in 1999?
Why didn’t anyone tell me that my father needed a Quadruple bipass a few years ago?
Why didn’t anyone tell me that my brother KILLED a woman nearly 2 years ago!? I WAS LOOKING FOR HIM!
I’M NOT HIDING!!!
… I’m not.
I’m right here. Why can’t someone, who apparently loves me, take 10 minutes out of their day to call me, or text me and say, “oh, Zack is in prison. He got 35-60 years for strangling a woman to death, stealing her bank cards and leaving her to rot.”
My is my brother, who is only related to that family THOUGH ME more welcome than I am?
I had to know, I had to know, I had to know….
I messaged my sister Courtney on FaceBook…
I had to know…
Nothing… She went offline…
Do I even matter to them? Am I really their family? Or is saying “I love you” just a formality, because we happen to have the same father?
So I sit here, and I think about Pain… And Death… And Suicide… Rope, and guns, and broken glass un my skin, and Poison. It makes me smile~
It would be MY choice. It would be something I can control. For once, something would be black and white, NO grey area of “Weeeeeellllllll Maybeeeeee”. No. Life, and death. their Misery would be what ever love they might have for me, festering and making them feel what I have been feeling…
But the fact of the mater is… I don’t want to make others sad…
I have a family here… A better family… I have my friends who come to me if they have a problem, and I can go to them if I need them. I love them with all my heart, and I need to start showing them that I do… and I will. I am more willing to live for them, than I am to die for people who probably wouldn’t even notice I was gone anyway…
So, that is that…
If you stuck around to read it all… Thank you.
And please, have a good day. If not for you, do it for me.
This is one of the most inspirational stories ever.
Oh. My. God.
Is this a true story??
holy shit I didnt know that
This is too amazing to NOT reblog, so inspiring.
That is amazing.
okay, doesnt fit my blog, but holy shit. <3
Wow and then you will lose millions.
Oh shit… This is where I come for my smut! THIS SITE ISN’T MEANT FOR KIDS!
HS: …..But I thought we were all friends now….
Your name is Homestuck Fandom, and holy shit are you fucking hurt right now. Well….at least there’s still Hetalia, they’ll never hurt you like this. You think that you need them right now. Oh well, you really should have seen this one coming. Nothing that good lasts very long. Who needs friends anyways.
Aka fandoms need to stop shitting on the homestuck fandom and being assholes in general
can’t we all be happy excited nerds together without being jerks to each other is it really that hard
it really breaks my heart when i see other people giving homestucks crap. ive been apart of multiple fandoms and i gotta say the HS fan base have been the most kind and accepting fans ive ever met
remember when someone told me that this doesn’t happen
YOU IMMATURE LITTLE SHITS YOU MESS WITH HOMESTUCK YOU MESS WITH US
LOOK HERE YOU LITTLE SHITS,
Don’t you dare mess with Homestuck. You have no right to do so.
So they ruined your fandom? No they did not. Did the entirety of the Homsetuck fandom purposefully insult you? No. I’m going to go out on a whim and say that you met like, 5 or 6 people who ruined it with Homestuck. K. So? All you other fandoms notice are the bad things.
Did you ever stop to motherfucking think that there are good people, who just don’t get noticed? It doesn’t matter that your fandom has like a bajillion people, because all that goes to shit when you treat fandoms like shit. For all you know, that Homestuck you bullied just a minute ago was actually working on some nice Destiel to share with you all. But you wouldn’t care, would you? “Because they’re a Homestuck.” No fandom is better than the other. Ever. Each fandom has its flaws and perfections, and that’s not something you can judge them for.
Also, have you ever considered that maybe, just maybe, they do all that “annoying” stuff to change your opinion. Yes, it gets tiring when they repeat the same things over and over again; but perhaps they’re just trying to prove to you that their fandom isn’t the piece of shit you think it is? They’re just there to enjoy the things they want to enjoy, not to get hated on for it. So you know what? Screw you. Those adorable babies had charities and all that shit.
“Wow, Hetalia and Homestuck need each other because they’re both losers.” No, we understand each other. Don’t you think that it sucks we have to be separated into SuperWhoLock and HetaStuck because the “Three Big Ones” almost never appreciate the other ones???
And this definitely isn’t only Homsetuck related. If any fandom is getting hate, then go motherfucking slap them in the face with some common sense.
I knew we coulod count on you hetalia.
No. Stay out of Hetalia.
One commission down, 2 to go. After I get my roughs done for my oil paint project in Illustration. Ugh paint. But yeh, sorry for the image quality, the scanner I have is only 8x11 and this pic is 11x14.
URMAHGURD LOOK AT THIS! LOOK HOW AWESOME THIS IS!!!
THANK YOU ARTHUR!!!
Blah blah a progress shot in terrible lighting.
I’M ADORABLE :D
Ellie and I watched this episode and I was just upset over how many solutions could have been made.